I'm Home

Ok, I am super behind on my blog again. I've been so busy I haven't had any time to write. So here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to divide it up into 2 posts. This post will be about my first couple weeks back in Oregon, then my next post (that I'll hopefully get done sometime this week) will be about my trip to North Carolina. Here it goes...

Well, I moved home to Oregon 3 weeks ago today, and I can't even explain how good it feels. I was really nervous to come back for a multitude of reasons, but as scary as it was, I did it, and I think it was exactly what my heart and soul needed. I feel like a different person here. I'm happier, more positive, and more motivated to get back to the life I had before. I'm settling back into my routine (as much as I can when I'm not in school and my mom is staying with us), and I'm picking up some of my old hobbies again, like gardening and taking my dogs on forest walks. It's amazing how different the energy is here; Reno was my place of illness, and Corvallis is my place of health. I'm not saying I'm done struggling, because I most definitely am not, but I feel like my mindset is totally different now. So, I'm going to tell you what I've been up to recently, but first I want to share a few of my accomplishments. They may seem small, but to me they're a pretty big deal:

1. I've been sleeping without socks on! And for that matter, I've been walking around barefoot a lot more. I haven't slept without socks on since last July because my feet feel too creepy and weird, and it was definitely an adjustment, but I'm now able to sleep sans socks.
2. I've been showering standing up. By myself. Without holding on. It's amazing how much easier it is to shower when you're not stuck in a little plastic shower chair. I lose my balance sometimes, especially when I close my eyes, but if I just hold the wall for a second I do just fine.
3. I can put my pants on while standing up. I used to have to sit down to put on my pants and socks and shoes, but I'm not strong enough to stand on one foot long enough to get my other leg into my pants.
4. I've taken my dogs for 5 small hikes in the forest. They've been under 2 miles each and on fairly flat ground, but they were still a good amount of activity, and it felt awesome to get out in the forest again.
5. I ran on the beach! Ok, it was only for a few seconds, but hey, a month ago I couldn't run at all. I'm sure I looked like a zombie chasing its prey, but oh well. I was pretty proud of myself.

Ok, now that I got that out of the way, here's what I've been doing the past couple weeks...

After I flew up to Oregon on May 6th, I had four days of just Brandon and me before my mom came up. We went on a couple hikes, watched a couple movies, and just hung out together. The first two nights I slept SO good! I think I slept through the night without getting up once. It was amazing. I had to take both my dogs to the vet to get their vaccines, which was a complete disaster, but I won't get into that right now.

Then my mom and Ed drove up with all my stuff on Saturday. They got here early in the afternoon with all my boxes of stuff that I accumulated over the past year, which is surprisingly a lot. Just a little side note: it's been 3 weeks, and I still haven't unpacked my boxes. Unfortunately, Ed had to turn around and head back to Reno the next day, but my mom got to stay with us for a week. Let's see if I can remember everything we did... We did a lot of work in the yard, planting stuff, cleaning up, and just hanging out. We went to breakfast and to a Japanese garden for Mother's Day. We hit up a few garage sales. We attempted to organize some of my clothes and shoes. We took the dogs on a couple hikes. We went to a lot of doctor appointments. We toured the vet school. We took the dogs to the beach. And I'm sure there's more that I'm missing because it seemed like we were really busy the whole time.

Japanese gardens for Mother's Day

Japanese gardens for Mother's Day

The doctor appointments were sort of interesting, so here's a little bit about them:

• First we met with my new GP named Jodi Sorenson, who is actually a nurse practitioner. I felt kind of bad for her because I totally just bombarded her with my crazy medical history and medications and everything, and I think she was really overwhelmed and didn't know what to do. We spent probably an hour talking to her about everything, and she pretty much just said, "Well, you know your case better than anyone, so it's up to you to let me know what you need," which is fine because the point was just to get established with someone in case something happens. At least now I have someone to fill my prescriptions up here. She also referred me to a pain management doctor and a rheumatologist up here, so maybe they'll have some more insight for me.
• Next we met with my new GI doctor named Kristen Reeve, who is actually a physician's assistant also. She was also fairly overwhelmed with my case, but she was also really helpful as far as trying to work with me to figure out some of my issues. She set me up an appointment with the dietician in her office, and she ordered some stool samples to hopefully figure out this diarrhea I've had for almost a year. The stool samples... oh my god. I haven't done them yet because they're so ridiculous. Warning: if you are squeamish about poop, skip to the next section. I went to the lab to pick up the kit, and they gave me this gigantic bag filled with plastic tubs, cups, toilet seat hats, bags, you name it. I had no idea it was going to be so intense. Apparently there's 4 different tests they're running, and they all have their own protocol. Three of them are just putting some stool into some plastic jars, but the stool has to be completely liquid, and I have to get it back to the lab within 24 hours. The fourth test is the worst one. It's a 72-hour collection, so for 3 days I have to poop into the same jar while maintaining a 100 grams of fat per day diet. The worst part? In between bathroom visits I have to keep the jar in the fridge... with my food... gross. Now you see why I haven't done these tests yet? Well hopefully once I get around to doing them they'll be able to tell me something about why I'm having these issues.

  

  My stool sample test kit

• My next appointment was with the disability office on campus. We met with a really nice woman who talked with me a little bit about what accommodations I will need for school and how we're going to handle it. It was a nice break from explaining my whole medical history to someone because she basically just wanted to know what I needed to succeed and not necessarily what my problems were. We agreed that sending a letter to my professors outlining my restrictions would be helpful as well as having flexible attendance requirements. That doesn't mean I can just skip school whenever I want. It means that if I have to leave for a doctor appointment or if I'm really sick, I won't be penalized for the time I missed. I don't think these disability accommodations with completely solve my challenges with school, but it's at least nice to know that I have some backup if something does go wrong.
• My last appointment for the week was with the dietician. It was sort of overwhelming because I have so many issues, and there's so many different approaches to handling them. It's a lot of trial and error, which I've been doing myself unsuccessfully for the past 6 months. We came to the decision that I should try a gluten free diet to hopefully help with my arthritis/autoimmune issues, and I should also do something called a low-FODMAP diet to help with my diarrhea. FODMAPs are certain carbohydrates that can cause bowel irritation in large quantities, so I have to avoid a lot of different foods. I wanted to wait until after I got back from North Carolina to start these diets, so today is just day 2, and I already hate it. Combined with my special diet for my bowel obstruction, I can't eat anything! I'm going to have to rely heavily on different meats, which I'm not too happy about. The only good thing is that certain kinds of chocolate are still allowed, which I'm already eating at 9 am.
• That's all the appointments I've have so far, but in the next couple weeks I'll be meeting with several other doctors, including a cardiologist, a rheumatologist, a pain management doctor, and an actual gastroenterologist. So much fun!

That's about it for my first couple weeks back in Oregon. My dad came down from Canada on Sunday to watch our dogs while we went to North Carolina. Monday morning he drove my mom, Brandon, and I to the airport to catch our respective flights. My mom flew home to Reno all by herself! If you don't know, my mom has this horrible phobia of flying, and up until February of this year, she hadn't been on a plane in over 20 years. But she seems to have overcome her fear, and I'm really proud of her. Now she can fly to Portland to visit more often!

It's really crazy how fast life goes. Day to day it seems like nothing is changing and time is standing still, but when you look back, it's incredible how different your life is. Less than a year ago I was on a care flight from Quincy to Reno to have emergency surgery, and no one knew if I was going to survive or not. Now here I am, home in Oregon with my husband, about to start my last year of school. I can't believe it.

I survived.

Goodbye, Reno!

I can't believe how fast time has gone lately. Maybe it's because I've been feeling better and able to do more things, but the days have just been flying by. In almost exactly 2 days, my plane will be landing in Portland. I'll follow the line of people off the plane and down to baggage claim, where I'll wait to see my striped suitcase on the conveyor belt. I'll hoist my bag off the belt and make my way out to the curb where the pile-up of cars will be waiting to pick up their passengers, honking at each other, weaving between lanes, and stopping in places that are meant for driving. I'll find Brandon's red Pontiac in the chaos, toss my bag in the back, give him a quick kiss as I hop in the front seat, and we'll maneuver our way out of the traffic jam. We'll then make the hour and a half drive back to our home in Corvallis, where we'll be greeted by wagging tails, slobbery tongues, and furry "hugs" (read as Zeke jumping up and body slamming us repeatedly). It'll be exactly like when I went to visit a couple months ago, only this time it's a one-way ticket.

I can't believe I'm finally moving home. This has been such a long and painful journey for me, and although it's not over yet, this is a huge step in my recovery. Four months ago I could barely walk, and now I'm moving back to Oregon to start school again and resume my life. I think it will be a really good thing for me mentally and emotionally, but I have so many different feelings about it that I don't even have the words to explain it. Of course I'm excited to move home; that's what I've wanted since this started. But I'm also scared and nervous. My life will not be the same as it was before, and I worry that the adjustment is going to be difficult. I also won't have all my doctors nearby in case I get sick, and the ER in Corvallis has no idea who I am (yet). I'm also nervous because Brandon has been living alone for almost a year, and now that I'm moving back, I worry I'll be too needy or too high maintenance for him. I know it's a stupid concern, but it's one of my many feelings. There's also a lot of things I'm going to miss about being in Reno (living in my mom's basement is not one of them). Since I'm thinking about it, maybe I'll make a little list of them...

Things I'll miss about Reno:

1. My family. As much as my mom gets on my nerves and I on hers, I will miss her. She has helped me tremendously, making an unfathomable number of phone calls to doctors and insurances, picking up my meds from the pharmacy, rubbing my feet almost every night, driving me around, and basically just taking care of me like I'm a child again. Mom, if you're reading this, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And thank you to my step-dad Ed who has been the rock holding us together and making sure we have everything we need, not to mention footing my medical bills until I actually have an income and can pay him back. There's also my grandma, Cat, Darin, and Will, who I've really enjoyed being closer to and getting to see more often. Then there's Bodie. I think Bodie will be the hardest one for me to say goodbye to. No matter how much time I have with him, it will never be enough, but if one good thing came out of this disaster, it's that I've gotten to be near him for the past year and watch him grow up. I can't believe how fast he grows. Every time I see him he has a new word or a new activity and even a new attitude. I can see his personality developing, and having to be away from him for the next year kills me. I don't even want to think about all the things I'll miss, and I wonder if he'll remember me in a year when I come back. I wish I could explain to him where I'm going, but he's too young to understand, so the best I can do is hold him tight and tell him I love him and that I'll see him soon. I'm getting choked up just thinking about it, so I'm changing the subject. I'll also miss Tao, my mom's 17-year-old Jack Russell. We've had her since she was a puppy, and she's so old and sick now, I don't know if she'll be around when I come home next. (Dad, I miss you too, but since you're in Canada you don't technically count as a "Reno" thing.)
2. My friends. Through this whole mess, there's been a few friends who have stood by my side, even when I wasn't very deserving of a friend. Again, I'm finding myself lacking words to describe everything I'm feeling about these people, but I want them to know how much they mean to me. Amanda and Rachel, you have been the best friends in the whole world, and I am so sad to be leaving you. You have seen me at my worst, and even when most people would run away, you were there for me. You weren't afraid to spend hours at the hospital with me while I was in pain and throwing up, and you didn't mind when the only thing I had energy to do was lay in bed and breathe. You were by my side, cheering me up and cheering me on, and I wish I could tell you how much that means to me. You girls have such a big part of my heart, and I hope I can show you even a little of the kindness you have shown me. Ok, now I'm really crying... this wasn't part of the plan. I also have to mention Danny. Danny, we've been friends since middle school, and even though we weren't that close the last few years, you have really gone out of your way to be a part of my life, and I really appreciate everything you have done. You could've easily turned the other way, but you stepped up and helped me, whether it was with a funny text or dressing up in 80s sweat suits with a bunch of girls and playing bingo for my birthday. I am lucky to know you, and I hope we can continue to be closer.
3. Physical therapy. This may be surprising since most people despise PT, but the people there have really become like a second family to me. I've been going there 3 times a week for almost 5 months, and I've developed deep relationships with several people there. There's Sabrina, who not only helped me physically but also emotionally and spiritually and who has kind of become my healing "guru" for lack of a better term. There's Jason, who walked me through my exercises almost every session and made a point to show me how well I was doing and how much progress I was making. There's Shawn, who stood in for Sabrina occasionally and worked so hard to get my ankles stretched out and loosened up. There's Trina, who also worked on my exercises with me. There's Monica, the always friendly face in the front office. There's Sally, whose visceral therapy brought me in in the first place. And there's also Jake, Sally's Boston terrier who always roams the building, finding sunny spots to lay and relax. I will miss the whole thing.
4. My doctors. Believe it or not, I will miss my doctors, especially Dr. Albright. They saved my life and have all spent a significant portion of their time and energy helping me get better. They also provide me with a sense of comfort knowing I have such a great network of doctors around in case something goes wrong. They all know my story and what I've been through, and if I need anything at all, they're always there to help.
5. My activities. The past couple months I've had enough energy to start up a few activities, and not being employed or in school, I've actually had time to do them. I've been volunteering at the Humane Society, walking dogs, trapping feral cats, and helping animals get adopted. I joined a gym where I've been doing water therapy classes (though I admit I haven't gone in a while). I got certified in reiki and was introduced to a whole new community of people that I really enjoy. I know I'll find a new set of activities in Corvallis, plus I'll be starting school soon, but I will be sad to leave behind the things in Reno I've started to enjoy.
6. The food. This seems silly, but the food in Reno is SO much better than the food in Corvallis. There's a million more choices, and the quality is just way better. Plus, Reno has all-you-can-eat sushi... no where else has that. Sure, there's sushi in Oregon, but it doesn't compare to Reno's in the slightest.
7. The lake. Even though I didn't spend a ton of time up at Tahoe while I've been here, I'll miss just knowing I have such a beautiful place to escape to just 45 minutes from my house. Sure, Oregon has tons of beautiful places to run off to, but Tahoe will always hold a special place in my heart.

Well, I could probably go on, but I think I'll end my list there. There's really a lot of things I love about Reno that I'll miss, but it's time I go back to Oregon, and I really am excited about it. I'm excited to live with my husband and be newlyweds finally. I'm excited to start school again and meet a whole new group of students. I'm just excited to have my life back, even if it's not the same life I had before. This whole move is bittersweet, but I think it really speaks to the whole point of this blog: moving forward. 

All that being said and before I forget... tomorrow is cinco de mayo, and it's also my last night in town. I'm having a Mexican potluck at my house at 6 pm followed by a drink or two after. It's a week night, and people have work and school in the morning, so it won't be anything crazy. If you'd like to come, let me know. I'd love to see as many people as I can.

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Switching gears a little bit, there's just a couple things I wanted to mention that aren't related to me moving back to Oregon.

First, I went back to Renown last week to bring cookies to my nurses on ICU and GSU. I didn't go into ICU, but on GSU I saw a bunch of my old nurses and CNAs, including my favorite nurses, Brook and Sean. It was weird seeing everyone because last time I saw them I was still really sick and drugged up, so I feel like they almost didn't seem like real people. I know that doesn't really make sense, but you'd have to experience high doses of dilaudid to really get it I think. I was kind of worried I wouldn't recognize anyone, but it was amazing how many faces looked familiar. I didn't do as great with names, but I definitely was able to recognize a lot of people. It was a good feeling being able to walk in there on my own 2 feet without a wheelchair, walker, or leg braces on. I also made some cards to send to all my doctors thanking them for everything they've done for me. They look like this:

It's not the greatest picture, but you get the point. I just wanted to show them how far I've come thanks to them. For the people at physical therapy, I made them some cake pops and bought them a really pretty green and purple plant for their office. I got Sabrina a stone necklace, and I got Jason a gift certificate to a steakhouse. If I could afford to get everyone there a gift I would, but since I'm poor, I had to pick the people I worked with the most, and that was Sabrina and Jason. Tomorrow is my last day of PT, and I have a feeling I'm not going to make it out of there without crying a little. Or a lot.

Now comes everyone's favorite part... the part where I complain about things that are still bothering me. The reality is that I'm not completely better yet, and I won't be at least until next summer when I get my surgery to fix my intestinal blockage. I also still have a lot of work to go on my legs as far as regaining their strength and flexibility. On top of all that, I seem to have developed some kind of arthritis that has been affecting my hands and wrists mostly for several months. I think I've mentioned it before, but the flare-ups are getting worse. A few nights ago my fingers hurt so bad that it actually kept me from sleeping because I couldn't find a comfortable place for my hands, and when I woke up I literally couldn't use my hands at all. It took me an house to get dressed and ready for the day, and holding my toothbrush was one of the most painful things I've had to do in a while. My mom had to make me breakfast because I couldn't even turn the dial on the toaster let alone open the jar of jam. The joints in my fingers were swollen, red, hot, and I could barely move them.

I wish you could see pain in pictures because from this it just looks like my knuckles are little red, but they hurt so bad that just brushing up against the skin would cause me to recoil in agony. It just so happens that I ended up in the ER that day with my usual stomach nonsense, so we talked the ER doctor into running some lab tests for arthritis. I haven't gotten the results yet, but I think they tested for rheumatoid arthritis as well as some other autoimmune conditions. Whatever this crap is, it really sucks, and I sure hope I can get it under control before I have to go back to school and do stuff like give injections, or worse, surgery.

I've also been having a lot of pain in my legs and feet. I think it's because I've been standing and walking around a lot more lately, but my legs just ache constantly. You know that feeling when you just went on a really long walk and your legs hurt and all you want to do is lay down and get the pressure off of them? Well that's what mine feel like all day every day. The worst part is nothing helps them. Ibuprofen takes the edge off a little bit, and laying down helps a little as well, but from the minute I wake up to the minute I fall asleep my legs and feet are hurting. My ankles have also been swollen lately too (partly because Bodie accidentally threw his tractor right into my ankle bone, but mostly because of using them a lot). I think it'll continue to get better over time as I get stronger and build my muscles back up, but for now it's really inconvenient. I was standing in the kitchen making cake pops for about an hour today, and by the time I was done I felt like I had hiked 10 miles. Since the doctor at UCSF said light hiking was ok, I'd really like to get that part of my life back, but I don't know how I'm going to do that if my legs hurt that bad before I even start to walk.

Lastly, since I want to end on a positive note, look what I made!

I didn't make the planter, but I put the plants and moss in during a trip to Sierra Water Gardens. They have this cool "succulent bar" where you can pick a planter and some succulents and design your own little mini garden. I'm excited to get it up to Oregon and find it a home near a window! (And of course to name them, since I name all my house plants.)

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That's all for now. Next time I write a post, I'll be writing it from my home in Corvallis! Goodbye, Reno! I'll miss you.