Quinn, Wedding, & Doctor Stuff

Quinn

I posted about this on Facebook, so you might already know some of the story, but I thought here would be a good place to tell the whole story of the (adorable, heart-melting) disaster that was Quinn.

On Monday, my mom and I went to the Humane Society to drop off a few donations like we usually do. We like to go and sit with the cats and visit with the dogs because it's sort of therapy for us, and we like to think the animals enjoy having some company as well. Well, I was feeling kind of blah that day and wasn't sure I wanted to go, but I had nothing else to do, so I just tagged along. We did our usual rounds with the pocket pets, then the cats, and then moved on to the dogs. Usually the Humane Society doesn't have puppies out in the kennels for you to visit with; usually you have to ask a worker to take you to see the puppies. For some reason on that day, they had several puppies in the outside kennels, so of course we fell in love with all of them. I'm usually not one to give special treatment to puppies because I believe older dogs need just as much love, but sometimes I just can't resist their cuteness! Well, there was one extra special puppy there named Quinn, who was a 4-month-old chocolate lab mix, and she about the sweetest thing in the world, licking our faces through the gate and putting her oversized paws through the gaps. We decided to ask a worker if we could take her out of her kennel and visit with her, which we did, and it's no surprise we both fell totally in love with her.

I always harass my mom about adopting a dog, but she usually shuts me down pretty quick, so this time when I said, "Mom, you need her!" I was surprised at her silence and the look on her face. When I realized she was actually serious about taking her home, I was so excited because in my mind, when the choice is between dog and no dog, I always choose dog. Well, we decided we would go get some lunch, then when we came back, if she was still available, then it was meant to be and we'd take her home. We went and got a sandwich and filled out the adoption application and talked about whether it was a good move or not. My mom said she didn't have the money for her $100 adoption fee, and I said I'd give it to her if it meant getting a dog. I also want to be clear, however, that I told her it was completely her choice, and I didn't want to be the one with the final say in the matter (in case it turned out badly). She agreed that is was her decision, and when we got back to the shelter and Quinn was still available, that decision was to take her home.

We went through the adoption process, which actually took a long time, and when they finally brought Quinn out to us, my mom started crying (of course). Before we went home, we took her to Petsmart to get some gear for her... collar, leash, dog tag, food and water bowl, dog food, treats, 2 squeaky toys, a kong, a puppy coupon book... you know, just the basics. I forgot to mention she jumped out of the shopping cart twice before we just decided to let her walk. After our little ($120) shopping spree, we finally brought her home, and that's when the disasters started.

Being a 4-month-old puppy, of course she wasn't potty trained, so the minute we got in the house she peed on the carpet. Then the sweet, pitiful looking puppy staring at us through the kennel gate with those beautiful olive green eyes and licking our faces with that puppy breath tongue somehow turned into skin-ripping biting machine. I swear that dog was part shark. She would bite anything and everything that came near her face... your hands, arms, chin, nose, ankles, feet, shoes... everything. She would bite down with her needle teeth and not let go. She also tormented poor Tao, my mom's 16-year-old Jack Russell, who is on her final legs of life. Tao wasn't totally innocent; she would snarl at Quinn and charge at her and growl at her constantly. But, Quinn being the rambunctious puppy that she was, thought that meant it was time to play, and she proceeded to pounce on Tao and lay on her and jump on her and chase her around the house. I swear Tao was about to have a heart attack the whole time Quinn was around.

Puppies sleep in the weirdest positions

Then came bed time... my mom went up to bed around 8:30 like she usually does, leaving me in the basement with the tornado named Quinn. I will admit, Quinn slept peacefully on the bed next to me for a couple hours while I watched TV and read, but when I was ready to go to sleep, she got her second wind. She started by jumping onto my bedside table and knocking over my water glass all over everything. Then I couldn't even put my night boots on because she was biting them and trying to pull them off of me the whole time. Putting pajamas on was a joke too since she was biting my hands and arms the whole time. After a while I decided it wasn't going to work out, so I brought her blanket and a toy into the laundry room and left her in there (we ordered a crate online, but we didn't have one yet). I expected her to whine, but instead I heard a bunch of crashing sounds and went back in there to find that she had discovered all the bottles on the shelf, the toilet paper roll, the trash can, and a bunch of other random stuff. I picked it all up and put it out of reach and left her in there again. She cried nonstop for about 20 minutes before finally falling asleep. It was hard to listen to, but I knew if I left her long enough she'd give up. Luckily that was the last I heard from her for the night.

In the morning, I was woken up by the sounds of Quinn jumping on Tao, Tao snarling at her, and my mom yelling at both of them. It was 7:15, and I just barely had my eyes open when my mom comes in saying, "Oh good, you're awake!" Then she yells up the stairs, "Quinn! Megan's awake! Come here Quinn!" My day had started way too early. My mom wanted to take a shower, so I got the job of making sure Quinn didn't kill Tao. Instead of killing Tao, she decided that my shoes were the coolest things ever and must be attacked, so I couldn't even walk without her jumping on my foot and wrapping herself around my leg and gnawing at me. I decided we needed to go for a walk to burn off some energy. I ended up taking her for about a mile and a half walk to the river and back, but she had no idea how to walk on a leash, so she was weaving in and out of my legs the whole time and switching from side to side and almost tripping me constantly. I'm not very steady on my feet as it is, and having to dodge a crazy puppy was quite a challenge.

When we got home from the walk, she was finally tired enough to pass out for a while. Soon, though, my mom and I needed to run some errands, and we didn't want to leave her in the house, so we had to take her with us in the car. She did pretty well in the car with minimal whining, but my mom kind of realized that it was a lot of work hauling a puppy around all day and not being able to leave her anyway. Later in the afternoon after yelling at her nonstop, my mom finally decided she couldn't handle it and needed to take her back to the shelter. It made me feel pretty disappointed because I paid for her and most of her stuff, I feel like I dealt with her the most, and I don't feel like my mom tried very hard. (Mom, if you're reading this, I'm sorry, but it's how I feel.) I realize Tao was being terrorized and that's not fair to her, but I also don't feel like Quinn was really given a fair chance either.

So anyways, I helped my mom gather up her stuff, and we drove her back to the shelter. She rode in Bodie's car seat most of the way. When my mom brought her inside, the people told her she needed to have an appointment to surrender and animal, and she'd have to wait a half hour. Meanwhile, a woman with her 3 kids saw Quinn and totally fell in love with her. They wanted to adopt her, but the woman didn't have any money on her at the time, so my mom said she could just take her. It sounds kind of fishy, but I know the woman was going to take good care of Quinn because she asked all the right questions like what were we feeding her, and where did she sleep, and all those types of questions that you only ask if you really care about the dog's well-being. She also gave us her number so we could call her anytime and check on Quinn.


It was pretty hard to say goodbye to Quinn because I had already bonded with her in the short time we had her, but in reality it was probably for the best that she went with a different family. I'll never forget her beautiful green eyes and soft brown fur with white spots on her toes, and maybe someday that lady will let me visit her or at least send me some pictures. For now, I think my mom needs to hold off on getting a new dog until Tao is no longer around, and I don't think a puppy is the best option either. Lesson learned on both our parts.

Wedding

For those who don't know, Brandon and I are getting married this Saturday. As in 3 days from now. We're having a small ceremony with just family and a couple close friends. It's going to be super informal and low key and really quick. We planned to just go up to Sand Harbor and stand on the beach, do our quick ceremony, then call it good. Well, apparently that wasn't in the cards. Not only does the weather forecast call for snow on Saturday, I was also told by Jason at PT that you aren't allowed to do that. He said he had some friends who tried to do that exact same thing, and a ranger came up and cited them $2,000 for not having a permit! Needless to say we wanted to avoid anything like that, so we decided we just needed to change the venue. Easier said than done.

Yesterday my mom and I spent ALL DAY driving around Reno trying to find somewhere suitable to have a quick wedding ceremony, keeping in mind it's likely to rain. Here's the places we went and the results we got:

Bartley Ranch Old Huffaker Schoolhouse - already booked
Bartley Ranch Old Brick Bldg - available, but ugly
Old Fish Hatchery at Galena Creek Park - closed until May 1
Galena Creek Park picnic areas - not sheltered from rain
Tannenbaum - $500 for just a room
Rancho San Rafael: Kristen's Garden - too small, gazebo not fully covered
Rancho San Rafael: Oak Grove - gazebo not fully covered, full of dead leaves, looked trashy
Rancho San Rafael: Lear Pavilion - not in use due to erosion
Rancho San Rafael: picnic pavilions - not taking reservations in the winter
Wildflower Village Chapel - super cheesy, didn't have any "packages" that suited our needs
Deck by the Truckee River by my mom's house - too small, not fully covered

So basically our whole search was a bust. We ended up settling on a picnic pavilion at Rancho San Rafael. Even though they're "closed" for the winter, there were still people there using them, so I'm assuming they just aren't taking reservations. We're just going to show up and hope that in the 20 minutes or so it will take to do our ceremony, no one comes and tells us we can't be there. Crossing our fingers!

In other wedding news, I finally found shoes for my dress. I've been searching forever, and today I got lucky (either that or I just stopped caring and settled). Rachel and I are making the cake tomorrow, and Friday I'm getting my nails done and Cat is treating me to a facial. Saturday morning I have a hair appointment, and then it's go time! Who knew it took so much to look pretty!

The countdown begins: I have 3 days left as a Hornby!

Oh, something I almost forgot... I won a free engagement shoot at the wedding fair I went to with my mom a couple months ago, so last weekend Brandon and I went down to Idlewild Park to have our pictures taken. It was fairly awkward like I knew it would be, but the photographers were super nice. They weren't very good at posing us though, so most of our pictures look pretty similar because Brandon and I didn't really know what to do with ourselves. Oh well, it was free, and they sent us a disc with 99 photos on it, which was pretty cool. I haven't had a chance to look through them all thoroughly yet, but I'll post one as a sneak peak. I'll probably post more on Facebook later.

Doctor Stuff

Tomorrow should be an exciting day in the doctor world. With all this puppy and wedding stuff going on, I've been distracted from the medical part of my life, which is a nice change even if it has been fairly stressful.

In the morning, I'm going to see my geneticist, Dr. Slotnik. He drew some blood on me a while back to try to figure out what gene caused my dissection, and the results finally came in. He thinks I have a Marfans-like syndrome, but the results of this test should tell us for sure. It'll also be helpful because other people in my family, like Bodie and my cousins, can get tested to see if they have the bad gene(s) so they know what to watch for. It should also help me with future family planning so I'll know if I'm at risk of passing the gene on to my kids. I'm kind of nervous to hear what he says, but it will be nice to finally know what caused this mess.

My second appointment is with my GI doctor, Dr. Lieberstein. It's just a routine check up, but he's also supposed to be pulling my stomach tube. That's right, tonight is Peggy's last night in her reign of terror! We nicknamed my tube Peggy because it's actually called a PEG tube, and Peggy was a lot easier to say than PEG tube. Plus, it made it a little funny and less serious. Something I've realized is that when you're in a serious situation like mine, it helps a lot to make light of certain things when you can. It makes things seem a bit less scary and a little more manageable. Admit it, "Peggy" is a lot less threatening than Percutaneous Esophageal Gastrostomy tube! Anyways, Peggy is getting pulled tomorrow, and I'm nervous as hell, but I cannot wait until it's out. For some reason, my stomach is located really high up under my ribs, so when they put the tube in, they had to put it so high that it's basically hitting my rib. That thing has hurt me or been uncomfortable every single day since they put it in, which was about 5 months ago, so you can imagine how much relief it will bring to finally have it out. Maybe my rib will quit feeling bruised constantly. The only problem is I'm scared out of my mind to have it removed. I know it will only hurt for a minute, but I've had so much pain the last 8 months of my life that I can't even think about going through anymore pain right now. Plus, Brandon won't be here to hold my hand and talk me through it. I know my mom will be with me, which is great, but they provide different kinds of comfort. Once the tube is out though, the hole should close up in a few hours, which means I'll be able to go swimming and take a bath and sit in a hot tub finally! I can't wait.

Peggy's last day!

Thank You

The last thing I have to say tonight is thank you. Thank you to everyone who has been reading my blog and commenting and telling me how much you enjoy it. I've received several messages already from people telling me my blog is an inspiration and that it is helping people deal with situations in their lives. I don't know if that's true or not, but the idea of it makes me truly happy. If my journey through this can help someone else, then I suppose it's worth it. So again, thank you for reading, and I love all you guys. I wouldn't be able to get through any of this without my amazing support system. Also, I welcome feedback on this blog. If there's certain things you like to hear more about, let me know and I'll focus on that. The point of this whole thing is to open up and share my story, so ask me any questions; I'm an open book.

An Unexpected Message

Warning: This is a really long post. Also, it's late and I'm tired, so it probably doesn't make much sense.  Just go with it.

Today was a weird day. I'm not sure how else to explain it. I was coming off of a rough week of bad stomach pains, relentless diarrhea, achy legs and feet, and just general lethargy and crankiness, and to round out the whole thing, I woke up feeling anxious and edgy for seemingly no reason. Then, I went to PT...

Part of why I love my physical therapist (Sabrina) is because she takes a holistic approach to my recovery. Of course she works on the typical things like building strength and improving joint mobility, but she also does a lot of energy work and healing with me. I swear I cry more in PT than anywhere else, and not because of physical pain. So today when I walked in, she looks at me and says, "What's going on today?" in a concerned voice. I kind of looked at her weird and said, "What do you mean what's going on?" And she just said something along the lines of, "Something's up. What is it?" I proceeded to tell her about my anxiety and feeling off, and here's basically how our conversation went:

Sabrina: "What do you have anxiety about?"

Me: "I'm not really sure." *hesitates for a minute* "Food I guess. Eating gives me anxiety."

"Why does eating give you anxiety?"

"Because I'm always worried that when I eat I'm going to get sick."

"Why does getting sick make you anxious? What are you afraid of?" (She was trying to dig a little deeper and get me to figure out what exactly was bothering me.)

"I'm afraid of the stomach pain. I'm afraid if I eat, my stomach will hurt, which means I'm not getting better, which means I might have to have another surgery, which means I can't go back to school... and it just snowballs."

Then she kind of exhaled an "ahhhh" as she worked her magic, as I call it. It's actually called jin shin jyutsu, which is a form of healing that uses touch and energy. After a few seconds she told me to take a deep breath, which I did, and I immediately felt better. I felt relieved and a lot lighter. Sabrina looks at me and says, "Your sister is here to help. It's like she's telling me to get out of the way, she'll do it herself." I smiled and laughed a little because it sounded so much like Karli. I knew Sabrina was very intuitive and gifted, but I didn't know she could communicate with people from the other side, so when I asked her if she could hear Karli, she looks at me incredulously and says, "Of course! How do you think I knew she was here?" I kind of laughed again. Then Sabrina got serious all of a sudden and asked me, "What else?" I paused for a second, not really understanding what she was asking me. "What else is bothering you? I already know, but you need to find it for yourself if you want to be able to let it go." Again, I hesitated because I wasn't really sure of the answer.

After a while I finally said, "Tomorrow is Karli's birthday, and I'm dreading it. Will is having people over for a celebration and remembrance of her with her favorite foods and a balloon release, and I really don't want to go."

"Why don't you want to go?" She asked me, not sounding surprised at all.

"I can't handle other people's grief. I can handle my own feelings, but just barely, and I don't want to be around a bunch of sad people who are crying and hugging me and trying to console me and telling me stories about my sister. It's too much for me. I'm an introverted person, and I don't like to share my feelings with people, and I don't like for them to share theirs."

"Are you a very visual person? Like, do you remember everything you see?"

"Yeah," I said, kind of confused. "I'm very visual."

"So are you afraid of what you'll see tomorrow? Like people sad and crying?"

Out of nowhere I just started crying. I couldn't stop it, but instead of looking concerned, Sabrina actually looked satisfied, like she had finally gotten me to the point where I could pick out what it was I was afraid of and finally deal with that issue.

"I guess so. I just have a hard time separating my memories of her alive with memories of her dying. I can still see everything from the hospital that day and watching her die."

"Did you see her die?"

"I wasn't there the moment she died, but I saw her as she went unconscious, and she never woke up."  

Sabrina did her "ahhh" thing again as she pressed on various points on my body. I laid there crying quietly to myself as she worked, feeling pretty raw and vulnerable. I didn't go into PT expecting to dig into my emotions that I didn't really know were there, but I believe that it was divine intervention that brought Sabrina to me, so I'm sure there was a reason things happened the way they did today. But that's not even the end of it...

After a couple minutes of working on me, Sabrina says, "What's with your sister and birds?"

"Umm, I dunno. The week before she died she kept seeing all sorts of birds like owls and hawks and eagles in random places and weird times, and it was freaking her out. And after she died, my mom and I kept seeing hawks, and we had some crows that sort of took up residence in our yard for a while."

"And what do the birds mean to you?"

"Nothing really I guess. They were just around a lot around the time she died."

"Well, she wants you to remember the birds."

 "Ok, I guess I'll just remember that and maybe it will mean something to me later."

"No wait, she wants you to remember THE BIRD. Not the birds, THE BIRD."

I didn't really know what she was talking about, so I just kept quiet for a little while. After thinking about it for some time, I finally realized I knew what she was talking about.

"Oh, me, my mom, and my sister all got tattoos of a bird on our ankle at the same time!"

And Sabrina says, "Well duh! It's like your sister is smacking me on the head! Of course that's the bird. What does the bird mean?"

I explained that it was an old sailor tattoo that symbolized freedom. She asked me freedom from what, and I didn't know what to tell her. She said, "She wants you to have freedom from your pain." As I let that sink in, all I could think to say was, "Me too."

Ok, I'm sure there was a much more efficient way to tell that story than to write out the whole conversation, but I wanted to make sure I didn't forget any major parts. Getting a message from Karli today was so unexpected, but apparently I really needed to hear from her and I didn't even know it. If you know me at all, you know I'm a huge believer in psychic mediums and life and death and spirits and energy and all that jazz, so today was a pretty cool day for me.

Even though a lot of my anxiety went away, I'm still dreading tomorrow. It would have been Karli's 28th birthday, and even though I feel like I need to celebrate for her, the idea of being around all those people as they talk about her and remind me of how painful it was and is to lose her is just overwhelming. I want to be there for my family, and I want to celebrate my sister's birthday, and I want to spend time with Bodie, but for some reason it feels like I'm going to her funeral all over again. (We didn't have a traditional funeral for her, we had a celebration of life, so this feels all too familiar.) Sabrina recommended grounding myself and setting personal boundaries when I'm there, like telling people I don't want to be hugged or consoled, but even just telling people that feels like I'm sharing too much emotion. I guess I'm going to try to go for a little bit, and if it's too hard, I'll just take myself home.

Valentine's Day: part 2

Sand Harbor, Lake Tahoe

Well I said in my last post I'd talk about my late Valentine's celebration with Brandon, so I'll sum it up really quick. We had a nice little overnight stay in South Lake Tahoe. We drove up Monday morning and stopped at Sand Harbor on the way to check it out and make sure it would work for our wedding ceremony (more about that later on). There were a few people on the beach, but it was still quiet and pretty chilly. It looked like it would work just fine for our wedding, so we took some pictures and headed out.

When we got to South Lake, we checked into our hotel, 3 Peaks Resort & Beach Club, which was this cute little hotel right across the street from the Heavenly gondola. We dropped our bags off and headed out to explore. We pretty much just ended up wandering around Montbleu casino, eating lunch and gambling a little. We were trying not to spend too much money, so we did a lot of just wandering and looking around. We thought about going up the Heavenly gondola just to see the view and maybe eat lunch at the top, but it was almost $50 a person, which was a little out of our price range, so we decided instead to save our money for a nice dinner and a magic show later in the evening.

We spent forever on the internet looking up good places to eat because we wanted to make sure we picked a nice restaurant to celebrate our 5th Valentine's Day together. After going back and forth between three Italian restaurants, we finally picked one. I can't remember the name anymore, but it had good reviews on Yelp, so we expected it to be pretty good. Well, it turns out it was the worst Italian food I've ever had. Both our dinners were practically inedible. I'm positive I could make better pasta from a package and a jar of sauce at home for 1/10th the price. So, that was super disappointing. We decided we'd make up for it after the magic show with dessert.

The magic show was pretty decent. At first I was a little skeptical because the magician, Alex Ramon, came out dancing and wearing sparkly clothes, and his first act was pretty cheesy, but I actually ended up having a good time and enjoying the show. It was nothing spectacular to write home about, but it was pretty entertaining for a low key night in Tahoe. After the show we tracked down some dessert at a random casino restaurant, and that was yet another disappointment. I ordered tiramisu and was given a parfait cup of whipped cream with little cake chunks in it that was supposed to be their fancy rendition of tiramisu, but it was pretty terrible, and it just made me feel sick. Oh well, my quest for good tiramisu continues.

That's about all we did during our trip up there other than grab some breakfast on the way out of town. It was pretty uneventful and low key, but we didn't have much money to spend, and it was just nice to get out of town for a bit anyways. I didn't feel the greatest when we were there... my legs were aching the whole time, I was getting really tired, and my stomach hurt pretty bad that night. I guess that seems to just be my life these days though. I can't do the things I used to be able to, and I get tired SO fast. I think it was still worth going on the trip. Plus, I got to spend some quality time with Brandon, and he even got me the cutest OSU long underwear pajamas. :)

At the magic show

Alex Ramon

Their logo had a dog, so I had to take a pic

My OSU jammies from Brandon

Tomorrow

Not only is tomorrow Karli's birthday, but Brandon and I are also getting some engagement pictures done. Apparently I signed up for them when my mom and I were at the bridal fair a month or so ago, and I got a phone call saying I won a free engagement shoot, so here we are. Brandon is totally dreading it, and honestly I'm not really looking forward to it either, but oh well. It's one hour of our lives,, it's free, and we'll have some hopefully good pictures that I'm sure we'll appreciate years from now. I still don't even know what I'm going to wear yet, and Brandon isn't even home from getting beers with his friends yet. I'm probably going to be exhausted, and he's probably going to be hungover. Can you tell I'm feeling very optimistic about this? Not only are we both super awkward in pictures, but I'm worried I'm going to get too tired or not be able to do some of the poses they ask us to do because I had some movement limitations. I know it's a stupid worry, but I'm kind of nervous about it.

After the photos, Brandon has to head back up to Oregon with the dogs again. I'm sure he's getting sick of driving 9 hours every weekend, and I'm definitely getting sick of him being gone every other week, but I guess I should just be thankful for what I have. We're super lucky that Brandon has a cool boss who lets him take every other week off, and we're also lucky that this winter has been really mild and he hasn't had to drive through too many snowstorms so far. I can't wait to live in Oregon again so he doesn't have to travel so much, but I'm also going to miss seeing Bodie and Amanda and enjoying the parts of Reno that I do like. There's no winning in this life I guess.

Whew, I think I'm finally done with everything I had to say for today. I'll leave you with this one thought that has been bothering me too much lately: It is super annoying when public restrooms don't have hooks to hang your purse on. Where am I supposed to put it? I'm not going to put it on the counter that's all wet and soapy, and I'm definitely not going to put it on the nasty floor that people pee on and leave toilet paper all over. Seriously, it costs like maybe 50 cents to put a hook in a door. That's a pretty cheap price for some customer satisfaction. Just sayin'.

Valentine's Day: part 1

Happy (belated) Valentine's Day everyone! 
I hope you all had a wonderful day, whether you spent it with a special someone, boycotting the holiday, or doing nothing at all. Since Brandon and I are doing our V-day late this year, I had a sort of unconventional holiday, but it was still full of love and laughter nonetheless.

Before I start, I want to make a couple shout-outs to some very important people today...

First, happy 25th birthday to my best friend/wife, Amanda! We have been friends for 23 years now, and I am so lucky to still have her in my life after all this time. They say if you've been friends with someone for 7 years, the friendship will likely last a lifetime. I guess that means our friendship will last at least 3 lifetimes!

Amanda and I @ RHS graduation 2007

Second, I wanted to say happy wedding day to Ms. Emily Lentz (soon to be Mrs. Slates)! I hope your day is as beautiful as you are, and I couldn't be happier for you and Mike. I wish I could be there in sunny Cabo to celebrate with you, but know that I am there in spirit with you. Congratulations!

Ok, now I'll move on to what this post was supposed to be about...

Physical Therapy

My Valentine's Day was actually a pretty special one this year, not because of anything specific that happened, but mostly because of how I felt. I spent several hours on Thursday baking cookies to bring to my physical therapy office for V-day, and since my PT is gluten free, I made some special gluten free PB cookies for her. When I brought the cookies into the office yesterday, everyone was so excited and grateful that it just made me feel very appreciated and that I made a difference, even if it was just a little one. When I've been unable to contribute to society for half a year, even small things I can do to make a difference feel great.

When I walked into the back room, Sabrina, my gluten-free PT, looked at me and said, "Wow! Look at you! You look so good! You look healthy and happy, and I don't think it's just the makeup." Hearing that made me actually feel like I'm getting healthy again, which doesn't happen very often. Also, she was so excited about the special cookies I made her that she couldn't stop talking about them. She then told me the story of how she had a stroke in 2002, and she's still recovering from it to this day. That's why she can't tolerate gluten anymore... the stroke messed up her whole body, including her digestive system. She also said that before the stroke she had a photographic memory and was valedictorian of her entire state. When she had the stroke, it was like it made holes in her memory, and she now has to work constantly to remember every little thing. She has tried all sorts of memory-improving programs, but there's still stuff she used to know that's just gone. She said her kids will say things like, "Mom, remember that time we did..." and she just looks at them blankly and says, "No, I don't remember that at all." Hearing her story made me sad for her, but at the same time it made me realize where her passion for helping people came from. I never felt with her that I was just a client and a paycheck, but now more than ever I realize that she truly cares about helping people get better, and I can relate to her on a more personal basis now.

After Sabrina worked with me for a while, she handed me over to the PT aide, Jason, who I just love. He's always so friendly, and we usually end up talking the whole time I'm working out. Jason put me through a whole slew of new exercises that I've never done before, and even though they were really hard, I felt like the fact that he added new exercises meant that he felt I was ready to move on to more difficult things. I even laid on my stomach for the first time since July! That may seem trivial, but try spending 7 months not being able to do it and you'll realize how much you take it for granted. I ended up working out with him for a half hour longer than I usually do, and he spent the last 20 minutes of our session thanking me for being such a positive, pleasant person to work with. He said that he has a lot of clients that just have minor injuries, and they won't even put in the little work to get better, so seeing someone like me with such a crazy medical history who always comes in with a smile on my face and is willing to do whatever work necessary to get better is what makes him enjoy coming to work everyday. I told him I couldn't thank any of them enough for giving me my life back, and he said, "Sweetie, you gave yourself your life back, we just showed you how." It took everything I had to not tear up in front on him, but we ended the day with a big hug, and I left there feeling so accomplished and happy and proud of myself. I felt like my head was held just a little big higher than when I walked in. So, if anyone needs a physical therapist, I highly suggest going to Body Wisdom. Everyone there is truly amazing, and I feel like they've become my second family.

Amanda's Surprise Birthday Celebration

After PT, I took a little rest and geared up for the evening. I planned a secret birthday party for Amanda with the help of her mom. I think it's the first surprise I've ever pulled off without the person finding out! We started with dinner downtown at Silver Peak. Not only did I get to eat an appetizer, dinner, and a cupcake, but I also got to have a glass of wine! I can't even remember the last time I drank wine. When we were done eating, I let Amanda open her present, which revealed the second part of her birthday celebration... tickets to the Goo Goo Dolls concert at the Silver Legacy! We've both loved the Goo Goo Dolls for forever, so I was super stoked when I saw they were playing the day before her birthday.

Amanda with her birthday cupcakes

Opening her present from me

As we were leaving dinner, some guys in a car whistled at me and Amanda, and I'm not going to lie, I was pretty flattered. Normally that would drive me nuts, but after spending so long as an invalid in and out of hospitals and doctor offices and hospital gowns, it sort of made my day. I actually felt hot (not just beautiful, but hot) for the first time in a very long time.

Next we headed over to the Silver Legacy for the concert. We didn't have the best seats because it was almost sold out when I bought the tickets, but luckily they had big screens so we could still see everything on stage. I can't even explain how much I love the Goo Goo Dolls. You know when you listen to a song and you can feel it in your soul? Well, the GGDs have about 7 of those songs for me. I actually believe that Black Balloon is what got me through my first year of college and my dad's cancer. I listened to that song about 20 times a day every day for months on end. Needless to say, I LOVED the concert. There was a really funny part in the beginning when John Rzeznik was saying thank you for spending Valentine's Day with the Goo Goo Dolls, and he asked a man up front what he got his girl for V-day. The man stands up and says, "I got her a necklace and a ring." John then says, "What kind of ring? Like a friendship ring? A cock ring? You know... something practical." I laughed so hard for like 5 minutes. Another hilarious part was at the end of the concert when people were starting to get drunk and rowdy. Two guys up front started fighting, so John stops mid-song and yells, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop fighting! What is this, Rage Against the Machine?! We're the fucking Goo Goo Dolls!" Again, I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. It's probably one of those things that's a hundred times funnier if you were actually there, but I was pretty entertained. And, in case I haven't been feeling old already, as they started playing Name, they announced that it was their first song on the radio, and that was 18 years ago. 18. Years. Ago. What the F?!? 18 years?! I was 7. I cannot believe the Goo Goo Dolls have been around for that long and that I've actually known about and liked them for most of those years. And... John Rzeznik is 48 years old now. I feel ancient.

Those people wouldn't stop making out

Before the concert

Goo Goo Dolls!

I was totally exhausted after the concert (hey, 11pm is late for me these days!), so we headed home. I thought Valentine's Day was over, but when I got home, I was pleasantly surprised to find some homemade truffles and a cute note on my porch from Rachel! I ate one for breakfast this morning, and let me tell you, it was delicious! I am so lucky to be surrounded by such amazing friends. 

Medical Updates

Well, that was it for my first Valentine's Day celebration. I'll probably write another post after Brandon and I have our little romantic getaway next week. There's just a couple other unrelated things going on in the medical world for me, so here they are.

1. Since getting my PICC line out, it has been amazing to take showers without taping my whole chest up! I still have a big old hole where the tube was, but it'll heal and scar down like the rest of them. 

   

   Hole from PICC line

   
   
2. I got the results from my latest small bowel follow through test, and once again none of my doctors really know what's going on. My GI doctor thinks I have something called SMA syndrome, where my superior mesenteric artery is compressing my small intestine because I lost all the fat protecting it, so the solution to that is to gain weight. I'm currently eating as much as I possibly can, and I'm eating high calorie high fat foods. My doc also thinks I have something else going on, but I'm not very clear on what it is, and I'm not convinced he is either. Apparently I still have dilated loops of small intestine like I did when I was obstructed, but neither the radiologist nor the GI doc could find an actual obstruction or stricture, so I don't really know what's causing it. Hopefully I'll find out more soon.
3. I get my G-tube pulled soon! I'm not sure if I mentioned it in my last post, but the stomach tube is coming out on Feb. 27th. I'm soooo excited! Scared sh*tless, but excited. Then I should be able to lay on my stomach all I want without it hurting!
4. I took my heel lifts out of my shoes this morning. I kind of walk like a weirdo again, but so far it's working. I still can't walk totally flat, but at least now I can wear any shoes that have a slight heel on them. Now the challenge is to find wedding shoes...
5. After 5 years of not eating meat (except fish), I finally have to give in and give up on vegetarianism for now. I'm not super happy about it, but at this point my body needs a lot of protein, and I'm just not getting it without eating meat. I still don't like a lot of meats, so it'll be a challenge, but I'm slowly introducing new proteins into my diet. I had a turkey sandwich the other day, and it wasn't half bad actually. But, after I'm fully recovered, the meat is going bye bye again, and I'll be back to my life as a vegetarian (or pescatarian, if you like to use that word).

Enjoy the 3-day weekend, everyone! Be careful in this crazy windstorm/tornado that's happening in Reno today!

Captive Audience

Well, I guess I started a blog after all. Like I said on facebook, I decided to do this to help me cope with the PTSD and other emotional trauma I've been dealing with for a while now.  Many people have recommended that I keep a journal, but I never seem to be very consistent with that, so maybe if I put my thoughts out there for all to see I'll hold myself more accountable. So... we'll see how this goes! I'm going to be as honest as I possibly can, so please don't be offended or put off by anything I say. It may seem negative, angry, depressing, or even sometimes graphic, but that's my life.

I wasn't sure where to start with this whole thing because when I look back at all the horrifying things I've been through and everything I've been feeling, it gets really overwhelming. Because of that, I've decided I'm going to just start with today and what I'm feeling right now. I'll let the past be the past, and from here on out I'm moving forward.

I've been feeling really cranky lately, and it's tough to figure out exactly why. I think it's a bunch of things all piled up, but there's definitely one thing in particular that stands out lately. Now that I'm recovering and able to do more things, I'm feeling more independent. That's a really good thing, except that I'm still living in my mom's basement. Her basement has become my bedroom and sort of my home while I'm in Reno... I have a ton of clothes in the corner of the room, drawers full of my medical supplies, a bed with my pillows and blankets, and a table with all of my books, jewelry, and other personal items. It's a pretty comfy setup actually. I have a big screen TV, a wood burning stove, and a bathroom right around the corner. The big problem with my room? It's also my mom's family room where people come to hang out and watch TV and relax. It makes it really hard to get any privacy. I don't have a door I can close or lock, and the garage door where people come in and out is right next to me in the hallway. It's not like I need that much privacy... I mean, I don't really do anything all day except watch movies... but I'm a quiet, introverted person, and I need alone time to rest and recharge. Sometimes when I'm laying down and relaxing, people see me as a captive audience and come in and start talking to me about their problems, knowing that I can't really just get up and walk away. It's not that I don't care about people or want them to not talk to me, but the point is that I have no control over when it happens. I can't just retreat to my bedroom and close the door so people know I want to be alone. I've thought about putting up a curtain or something in the doorway that I can close just so people might have a slightly better idea of when I want to be left alone, but it's also not my house, and I don't really feel like I have the right to stop people from using the family room just because I'm in it.

I kind of feel like I don't really have a home right now. I feel like I'm just floating around, and I don't really belong anywhere. I don't want to be a 25-year-old woman living in my mom's basement, but when I went home to Oregon last week, I didn't feel like I belonged there either. When I left Oregon, it was the middle of summer, and I was happy, healthy, and active. When I went back, it was the dead of winter, and I felt sick and wasn't able to do much besides watch movies and lay on the couch most of the day. For some reason, I expected when I went home to Corvallis that I would get a piece of my old life back, but in reality I just felt like an alien in my own life. I I didn't know who I was anymore or where I belonged. I guess the truth is that I'm not the same person I was 7 months ago, so of course my old life isn't going to feel right. I'm going to have to reinvent my life around the person I am now, and it's going to be hard. I feel like I've spent my whole life trying to be happy, and I had finally gotten there right before this whole medical disaster happened. Now I feel like I'm set back to square one, and I have to find another way to be happy with the life I have now. I can't depend on running and hiking and being active outdoors to fulfill me anymore... I have to find joy in lower impact and indoor activities, which is tough because I don't feel like that's who I am or who I want to be.

Well, as expected, this first post went a different direction than I originally planned, but at least I got down what I was feeling, and maybe the more I write the more structure this blog will have.

Also, on a happier note, I got my PICC line out today! I should be getting my G-tube out this month too, but I'm not sure when, and honestly I'm kind of terrified. I watched a video of a G-tube removal, and it gave me major anxiety. I'm trying to just focus on how nice it will be to have all my tubes out and not how freaking bad it's going to hurt, but I can't help but be a little terrified. I think I've have enough pain for one lifetime.

One last thing... I know everyone loves pictures, so here's some from the crazy snowstorm we had in Corvallis last week.